| When will it all come together? |
[03 Dec 2005|11:24pm] |
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I haven't written in this thing in ages but right now I think it may do me good to write a little
So I hear this story about my cousin and how he has lost all of his ambition, and as of right now his only goal is to work at Disney World. He used to want to be a pilot from the time that we were toddlers and just learning how to speak. I don't ever remember him wanting to do anything else. He always had little toy planes and he always talked about flying for a german airline. As the years went on his ambitions grew and he even took flight lessons. Then one day, as I had suspected for many years, he came out and told the family that he was gay. I can honestly say that I did not expect a joyous reaction but I certainly did not expect to be the only one standing behind him.
My grandma even went to the extreme of telling him that maybe if he stopped hanging around with those "gay people" he would be straight again, as if by miracle. Well, now he seems to be a lost soul who has dropped out of college, and lost his fire and his dream of becoming a pilot. The only thing he ever wanted in life and now he is just walking away. He is trying to discover who he is and it seems that the only way he can is if everyone would just leave him alone and let him be who he wants.
Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just walk away from my "dream". But it's kind of hard to walk away from a dream that doesn't exist. I don't know where I want to go in life... I have not experienced much of anything...well nothing worth speaking of anyway. I don't want to make any decisions right now and for some odd reason the feeling of beinng alone is ideal.
I guess in the past few months I have grown accustomed to the feeling of being alone... no best friend to talk to because well, they want to be there for me when it is most convenient for them. Quite frankly sometimes I feel as if I dont need anyone, but right now I am not so sure I am right. I am lost... and I don't know how to find my way back. I dont know if I even want to find my way back. I just wish that I would have gone away out of state like I always wanted to. I allowed someone to hold me back, someone who isn't even there anymore...
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| Between a rock and hardplace.. |
[22 Sep 2005|10:22pm] |
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I don't understand why things can't be a little more simple. At this poin t in life many of the everyday occurences we encounter should not be this complicated. I love him to death and I want nothing but the best for him, but I find myself telling him I cannot support him in this decision if it were to come up. I cannot support it because I know it is morally wrong.. and I know that no good can come from it. Its two different worlds trying to come together as one and it just will not be good.
But I also do not want him to hide it from me. If he hides anything more from me I will be done. I cant take lying. But I also cant take that I cant be there for him. It tears me up inside and I feel bad for him, becuase I would like to think he wants me there. But if I know something is wrong I cannot look past it. Love should not be like this.. I dont know I cant even say anymore
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| I believe everything happens for a reason... so what's the reasoning this time? |
[03 Jul 2005|12:48am] |
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mood |
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music |
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I'm nont that girl- Wicked |
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Everything is just happening so fast that I am not sure just how much more I can handle. Sure, I can deal with the leaving for college way before everyone else thing, I've seen that coming for quite some time now. I can deal with parting from those dearest to me in an effort to make something out of this pathetic experience known as my life. But it just seems that everytime I have things all figured out something else comes up and screws me over. Graduating from high school somewhat felt like a liberation from something that made me extremely unhappy the last few months I was there. I wanted to break free and show the world that I would reach for the stars and that I would someday reach out and touch one. But now I sit here wishing I could have one moment more of that comfort that high school provided me with. It somewhat made me feel protected from the outside world and the tribulations that it brings. Just when I'm on the brink of something potentially wonderful something just has to put a barrier between myself and my aspirations.
I've never felt more alone than I do right now. Although there are those that say they are there for me always they could just never understand what it feels like to be me right now. I don't even know how to deal with what I am feeling right now, in fact I'm not even sure that I am feeling anything at all. Crying isn't even an option right now because I am all cried out. I solmetimes just wish that I had someone that I could talk to, someone who would be there for anything at all. Someone who isn't too preoccupied with their own life to sit and listen to me. I always feel like I am the only person like myself on this God Forsaken planet. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO LISTENS?!
I never want to come online anymore or update this damn thing anymore because I see that I have a buddylist with over 200 screennames on it, ,yet there is not one person that I can IM and have good conversation with or talk to when I need to talk, because no one would understand or care. Coming onlie does nothning but upset me. Sometimes I wish that for a day I could just be someone else just to see what it is like not be in my own shoes anymore. I also sometimes wish that I could move away and start all over, and not talk to anyone or meet anyone. I wish I could run from life, but this life is my reality and I have learned the hardway that it is time to face it all. I don't want to face it, but most of all I dont want to face him. I am not ready for this at all. I have known that this time would come for years, but I never imagined that it would actually one day be here. Now I sit wondering what to feel. Do I feel happy? Do I feel sad? How about angry and resentful, should I feel that way? Should I expect anything from him, or do I continue on in life proving he is't needed? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
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| Can you see it? |
[29 Jun 2005|07:08pm] |
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Can you see the hurt hiding behind my eyes?
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[20 Jun 2005|10:57am] |
"If our fate is to make the same mistakes that we did the first time, then by God I am ready to make those same mistakes."
It's
still there and here I sit wondering why. Why would it still be
there if it's nothing but pointless? One would think that after a
significant amount of time it would eventually go away, but it has been
quite the contrary. There are times that I sit here feeling
sorry, not for myself but for he whom I have hurt because of my
past. I hurt him because I can't seem to let go of something that
most likely died a long time ago. I hear him on the other end of
the line repeatedly making it clear that his love for me has not died,
and I can do nothing but sit there silently because I am selfish.
I sit there silently because I am naive and I cannot let go of a love
that has done nothing but walked in and out of my life. I cannot
let go of a past that made me happy for a short time. I guess
this could be because I have not felt that genuinely happy since that
time so long ago. I guess all I am saying is that I am sorry... I
am sorry that I put him in that situation, I am also sorry that I put
the one that I love in the situation of allowing him to know I love him.
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| WOW..... |
[17 Jun 2005|02:48pm] |
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Ha its over...I am officially out of high school
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| Insanity breaks through... |
[06 Jun 2005|04:33pm] |
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So much has been going on lately. We're approaching the close of our senior year and everything is beginning to get quite hectic. SO many papers are due, tests need to be taken, and teachers and friends are driving me crazy. I can't wait to just get out.
Senior night is tonight and i get my yearbook, and I get to watch the senior video with all of my "friends". It ought to be interesting. Prom is Friday and I am only half excited. I really hope that I have a good time with Keith because lately hes been a real pain in the ass. I dont know whats going on with him but I'm getting to the point where I just dont care. I have suddenly become the brunt of everything and I seem to be put last. Its not just with Keith its with practically everyone. But i look at it this way it is almost over and those who truly care about me will always be there and for those who dont care I honestly wouldnt even think twice about it if they fell off the face of the planet anyway. So screw all of you who judge me I dont care about any of you anyway. The only people who matter in my life know who they are and despite the fact that Keith and I have been kinda weird lately I love him with all of my heart and I know I will always be friends with him.
Gary and I are good...
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| whatever |
[24 May 2005|11:26pm] |
Heh allow me to sum up this
week thus far...sucks ass... The only good that has come of it is
that I love Gary and we are officially together. Yes, it is soon to
love someone i know some of you may be saying, but I do and I dont care
what any of you think. Being with him thrills me and makes me happier
than I have been in a while...
Everything has been a little emotional as far as a few things are
concerned, but I have learned to just look past things and move on
because once they happen they happen and thats it. So I say "whatev" to
all...
Keith has been acting kinda weird which bothers me a little.. but what the hell I love the kid..what can I do?
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| Awww |
[19 May 2005|12:10pm] |
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omg guys I was going through my old livejournal entries from this year and I found this one... It made me sad to even read that I usedd to feel this way....
To my best friend....
The darkness seems to follow me whereever I go consuimg all the good that comes along
As I awake, trying to believe things can only get better with time, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel slowly fading to blackness.
Knowing that I have so much ahead of me I continue walking down this path of life in the hopes that I one day will be who I have always wanted to be.
Committment is an integral part of life, yet it seems that so many are afraid of it. It seems to represent the dark, dank, rainy days of our lives.
Why do I seem to be alone in all of this?... Am I the only one that sees life for all that it is?
Am I the only one hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel, hoping that in time it will all change?
Am I the only one sraring into the night sky wishing on a bright star with the aspirations that my wish may one day come true?
I've been told that I am strong and will soon break free of the barrier of darkness that holds me back from being me, but I know that I need be patient for in time it will come.
Change is what I have needed, and I can see it coming my way .But can I do it alone like I have been? Or will you be there by my side every step of the way?..
can only hope that you will be there with me and we can learn what life and its dark paths are all about together.
Although it seems like I a not here anymore and I have said things that may lead you to believe I don't care... I really do.
You are the best friend I have ever had, and I can only hope that you will always be here with me to gaze up at the stars together like we have done in the past.
I love you forever.....
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| The never ending cycle... |
[19 May 2005|11:39am] |
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Here I sit of course bored out of my mind because it is sixth period and my poodle is not in school today. These next few days should be rather exciting... tomorrow is the trip to Buckscounty (New Hope) P.A. Its is also my farewell performance as a member of the CRHS drama club. Hopefully tomorrow's trip will hold more memories than the previous years... Hopefully out of this day I will get nothing but great candid shots, mexican food, and a lot of laughs that will result in the perfect occasional paper.
I have already decided that tomorrow Diana, Keith, Mel, and I all need to go back and visit the really nice man with house by the water again... We need to sit and drink our lattes by the water and just laugh and smile endlessly as we did last year. Last year just brought this incredible feeling that I certainly hope this year will surpass. Ha and Diana and I have decided that we're going to ditch Mel and Keith for a little while because they are underage and we want to go to some of the good places that New Hope is known for. :) So it ought to be an incredible day of laughter..penises...and memories that will last a lfietime.
Heh I guess I want to thank Toni, Rich, and Mooney for commenting on my last entry. You guys are right... I like this boy and I need to just go alon with what comes my way. He's incredible and although he doesnt see it I know hes good for me.
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| This is odd... |
[16 May 2005|11:55am] |
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music |
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The sound of the CRHS media Center |
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I feel weird... happy yet disappointed in myself all at the same time. I vowed that before college began I would not get involved with anyone due to my longing to meet new people. Well, I guess meeting new poeple now won't hurt me, but it\s just that I have given in and in a sense allowed myself to fall for this boy. It has been such a fast thing. I had my life on track and everything figured out... I knew where I was going and where I saw myself within the next few months and this cute boy walks into CVS and there it all goes. I'm so busy all the time, he occupies every minute of my spare time. Is this good? Is this bad? I'm not even sure how long it has been since I have had my nightly conversation with keith on the phone.
I find myself acting like a stupid giddy school girl at the mere mention of his name. It sickens me yet makes me smile all at the same time. Everything has become nothing but a large contradiction. Part of me says that this is the right thing and that being with him is good, while another part of me says that things are moving too fast and this could result in something bad. I dont know which side to listen to. My friends all tell me the same thing, they tell me not to wrry because in time things will all work themselves out. Why when you need advice the most, do nothing but cliches seem to fall from the mouths of those you confide in? I don't know anything for sure, btu I do know this I really like this boy and e makes me feel a way that I havent felt in a while. All I want is for something good to result from this.
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[11 May 2005|02:44pm] |
Your Political Profile
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Overall: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
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Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
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Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
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Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
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Ethics: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
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Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal
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| ::tisk tisk:: |
[01 May 2005|08:56pm] |
Too much is
shared...too much is told... too much is known. Nothing is ever
kept secret. Well, in some cases anyway. There are no boundaries
so "crossing the line" is never an option. Some would call it
unhealthy because of the amount of love that is shared. There are
days that seem so bright and cheery, yet there are still those dank
dark rainy days that just can't seem to be avoided. They say that
love should brighten the world around you, but if that is true
why is it so dark in here?
Why after all of this time has nothing changed?... It's not like i
havent tried... It's not like I havent made myself out to be the worlds
biggest bitch in an effort to mask how I truly feel.. I've tried to
experience other things and be with other people, but it just doesn't
go away. Each day I awake I am just reminded over and over how it
makes me feel. I mask it with a fake smile and a pleasant hello
but deep inside it really hurts. Living behind this facade is not
how I ever thought it would need to be. Sounds dramatic I know,
but no one knows how I feel. Until you do I advise no one to
judge me. I want that feeling to go away.. I dont want the fun times
(though they are rare) to ever go away I just want that feeling to
disipate.
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| Why even bother? |
[25 Apr 2005|07:36pm] |
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I HATE ALL OF YOU... you dont care... why are you reading this?.. stop reading my livejournal
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| Those days have passed |
[21 Apr 2005|10:13pm] |
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mood |
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worried |
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Went with Enrique to see his vocational class'
performance tonight at OCC. It felt really good to be with Rique
again and just to feel the way that we used to when we would hang
out. I got to meet all of his friends from his vocs class, and
they were all really nice to me. When we went out to see the show
it was so odd being in the audience especially since i have been on
that stage performing before. I never thought I would say it but
I really miss Fiddler. I miss the cast, the closeness of tech
week, and the magic that seems to happen right in front of us. I
miss the feeling that it gives you inside when you are in front of the
audience, and they are waiting to see what you will do next. I
miss being with all of my friends and just having a good time goofing
off, when we really should have been focused on the show. But, as
I have learned from my past missing things is not going to get me
anywhere and that is all in my past and I must move on with time.
I guess I am just greatful that I have those wonderful memories.
For some reason lately I have had this constant feeling of worry.
Even when I am sleeping I am worrying, and I can feel the worry when I
wake up in the morning. It's really weird because I am not quite
sure what I am worried about. It could be a multitude of things
but I just dont know what they are. I didnt know you could worry
about something and not know what it is that youre worrying
about.
I've been doing really well at pretending lately I think. I'm
just sort of letting things go, and just not caring. Last year
you couldnt have paid me to worry about something dumb and this year
I'm just different. But I am doing my best to just let all of
that go.. I guess its just that I feel like everything needs to be
perfect before I graduate... but I've realized i live in a world of
imperfection and i just need to get used to it.
I'm worried about keith
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| More than a broken vow... |
[15 Apr 2005|11:49pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
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I'm not really
sure what's going on around me lately... I just sort of walk the halls
of Central in a daze.. not knwoing or caring whats going on around
me... It doesnt matter to me anymore.. I feel like a stranger there
anyway so why should I care? Its become apparent to me that I am
not like any of those that I call my friends... I'm not solely
interested in getting trashed...being high..having crazy animal
sex...or any of the other "fantastic" things that they sit and talk
about doing each day. When theyre all talking amongst themselves
i sit and stare off into space... I have nothing to say or anything in
common with them so why should i sit and listen?
They speak of getting me drunk after prom... ha
thats funny... all I want to do after prom is hit up IHOP and then head
home with Keith. No, I am not going to Wildwood to get
"shitfaced"...no I'm not going to have sex with my promdate (well thats
a given). All I want to do is have a good time and then relax
afterward. I just dont get it... Why my senior year do i have to
feel like a foreigner? No one listens ever because no one
actually cares... but heh thats cool i guess i can just sit here and
take it all in i guess...
Even after all of this I'm not even sure I'm all that ready to leave...
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| Anatevka Is our home |
[11 Apr 2005|10:40pm] |
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mood |
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there youll be |
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This past
weekend was quite the emotional one for the cast members of Fiddler on
the Roof. We put on our last performance on Sunday afternoon and
it was more emotional than any show I have ever been in. I have
never seen so many people in the cast cry for the sneiors. I have
never cried so much in my life. It struck us yesterday that this
show was in fact our last major performance on the CRHS stage. I
finally realized that I am leaving behind a huge part of myself on that
stage. That stage is where I met some of the most amazing people,
and experienced some of the most wonderful times of my life. Now,
it has come to that point where I am just lost. I don't even know
how to put it into words. The emotion that I have felt this past
week is just an incredible feeling.
WHat I am going to miss most are the relationships that I developed
with people that I never thought I would ever be close with. We
became like one family.. the past few nights we did everything together
and we developed a bond unlike any other. I am going to miss each
and every member of that cast and a huge part of me doesnt want to let
it all go but I have no other choice...
I love him and I dont want to anymore...
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| If I fall Let me Fall |
[01 Apr 2005|12:35pm] |
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mood |
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restless |
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Feeling unbelievably lost lately... Tech week for FIddler is coming up...Musical is next week on April 7th,8th,9th,&10th
Have an interview on weds for the EOF program at Monmouth...hopefully that goes well...
I actually had to stay home from school today because I got zero sleep
last night.. and as I was getting ready for school my mom saw me and
was like "You cant go to school with your eyes all puffy like that"..
so she made me go back to sleep...
Keith and I have been weird lately... he is my best friend in the whole
world and thats all I want to be to him.. I want him to be happy and I
want to be happy for him... so I am going to try my hardest to be
nothing but that to him...I hope he understands.... I love him soo much.
Rich is coming to see our show next saturday
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